What Hurts The Most
by JazaraRose
Summary: What hurts the most was being so close and never knowing what could have been. Living with this regret, I pretend I'm okay but that's not what gets me.  Kikyou takes a look into her own soul and confronts the pain of her past.  Not A Songfic!


**What Hurts The Most**

Sadness. Emptiness. Pain. Regret. Betrayal. These are the only emotions I am able to feel. Loneliness. Something I've lived in this life as well as my last one. Loneliness is a bitter emotion is it not? For it can drive people to the brink of insanity. It's cold and unfeeling. Loneliness knows no bounds. It can overpower you, make you do things you know you shouldn't. Trick you into feeling things you know are wrong. And the sad part is you don't even care. You embrace these feelings because it will take your pain away ne? Fill that void in your heart that only grows deeper and darker everyday.

Yes, I know loneliness. we are good friends now. But loneliness is best when you can share it with someone else. when you find someone who is able to understand that pain. Someone who can fill that void. But I am a priestess. I chose this loneliness. This fighting. This emptiness. For I can never be normal. I must not show emotion because emotions open weaknesses. And weaknesses cause death.

My duty is to help and care for others, but what about me. People expect me to slay demons and cure diseases like I'm some type of god. They look to me when they have no hope, no reason to stay among the living. They expect me to have all the answers because I was blessed with extraordinary powers. But I'm not a god, I'm not Buddha, I'm not a savior. I'm just an ordinary woman. But I'm not allowed to be that. Yet that is what I want most in this world.

"Lady Kikyou!" yelled one of the villagers. "There are demons coming into the village!"

I sense the demons but they are weak. No doubt trying to come after the Jewel. This jewel. The source of my constant fighting. The source of my pain. But I can not think this way, for the jewel would become tainted with my impure thoughts. As I run towards the outskirts of the village where the demons are coming I can't help but dream of a life where this jewel never existed.

I shoot the demons down quickly with my sacred arrows. I walk back to the village around dusk only to run into my little sister Kaede.

" Sister Kikyou did you slay the demons?" she asks excitedly. I love my younger sister with all my being. She looks up to me, but I can't see why? I've hurt her many a time over the years. She even lost her eye thanks to my foolishness.

"Of course." I say with a small smile. "Come now Kaede it's time for dinner." Kaede runs ahead of me along the path that takes us to our hut. As she runs into the small hut to get the fire started I look out at the horizon, it's beautiful. Then I look down at the jewel hanging around my neck. This jewel. It was an honor to be chosen to keep watch over it. I'm flattered to be thought powerful enough to contain it's evil, yet the small swell of resentment doesn't fade.

* * *

I walk among this earth dead yet I'm alive. I feed off the souls of lost maidens to keep this clay body moving. I sit in a clearing. Cursing the memories of my first life. Back then I was foolish. I let myself be strayed from the path I was meant to walk. I resented the jewel but at same time it was a honor. I wanted the life of any regular girl my age yet I was proud to be a priestess.

Back then I wanted a lot of things. As I think about them, some leave a bitter taste in my mouth. I think about Tsubaki and her curse. Kaede and her undying admiration. The villagers and all the trust they placed in me.

But a set of particular memories come flooding back to me. Memories of Silver, Crimson, and Gold. Floating in my mind like lost dreams, I try to remember. I don't have to try that hard, For he is always on my mind. I hated him, despised him. He used me. Betrayed me! But when I close my eyes I don't see the man who killed me for the Sacred Jewel. I don't hear the hateful words he said to me as I lay bleeding in the grass.

No I see the sad eyes looking at me as I pinned him to the god tree. I see warm loving eyes that looked down upon when he asked me to be with him. To live with him. When he told he would be human for me. I want to hate him so bad, but my heart won't allow it.

And for that I hate him even more.

* * *

So many demons came at me at one time. It was hard to fend them all off. I was tired. It was dark and raining. I just had to make it back to the village. Then I could rest. But once again I felt another aura, a human.

I turned in the direction to which the aura was coming from. " How long do you intend to hide from me up there?" I got no reply.

" Are you after the sacred jewel too?" I asked preparing myself to defend the jewel.

" Sacred jewel? Never heard of it" said the masculine voice

"If you don't know then nevermind" I was too weak to fight, hoping he would get the message to leave I added one last threat. " If you value your life at all, I warn you too stay away from me." With that I turned to walk away. I only got a few steps before I fell to the ground and into darkness.

When I came too I saw Kaede and some other villagers. They had come looking for me.

" Are you alright sister Kikyou?" said Kaede in a worried voice.

" He decided not to kill me I guess tonight must be my lucky night."

After that he came after the jewel. I knew he would. But something was strange about him. His aura, it was different then the other night.

" Hey Kikyou! I hear this sacred jewel is a mysterious crystal that increases the power of a demon." he stated

I remembered his voice quite well. Then I realized what was strange, what had been throwing me off.

" I remember you, the one hiding in the shadows" I stated

"Shut up ! And hand over the jewel!" he yelled as he lunged at me.

I shot two arrows at him pinning him to the tree behind him.

" I understand, your aura, you are a mere half demon." He growled at me but pinned to the tree I was unphased. " You could use the sacred jewel to become a full demon. Would you go that far to find your place in this world half demon?" How Pathetic. " Is that true Power?"

" I thought I told you to shut up! When I become a full demon I'm going to put you out of your misery!"

" That will not happen as long as I protect this jewel" I said starting to walk away from him.

" Ha! Don't make me laugh you reek of demon blood you'll be easy enough to find!"

I stopped for a moment. My smell huh?. I began to bathe more regularly after that. There was no way a half demon was going to get the better of me.

after many failed attempts at stealing the jewel, I finally learned his name.

Inuyasha.

he kept coming back that Inuyasha. He sure was persistent. I would always pin him to a tree. I would aim another arrow at his chest ready to finish him. But I couldn't do it. So instead I would walk away, with his yelling becoming more faint as I put more and more distance between us.

Who knew that Inuyasha would be the death of me. Literally.

* * *

I remember the first time I had an actual conversation with Inuyasha. It was quite awkward really, but it was conversation nonetheless.

" Inuyasha I know your there, why don't you join me?" I heard the rustling of the bushes as he came to sit by me. He was a few away from, pinning with a suspicious glare.

" It is the first time we have spoken like this." I said.

" Yeah what's your point?" He snapped back at me.

" I understand you saved me sister, I want to thank you." I turned to him giving him a slight bow of gratitude. Because of sacred jewel my little sister was almost kidnapped by Mistress Centipede. Inuyasha saved her. To this day I don't why.

" Keh, trust me the gratitude thing doesn't look good on you." He said courtly.

" Inuyasha, How do I look to you? Do I seem human?" I didn't feel human. Normal human girls were coloring their lips and cheeks, they were trying inscents and perfumes. Normal human girls we getting married. Normal human girls were starting families. But I couldn't do any of that. Being a priestess meant shunning material objects. Being a priestess meant I would never know a man's touch. Being a priestess meant I couldn't have a family to call my own. Being a priestess meant I was to die alone.

" Now what are you goin' on about?" I thought he didn't understand. But he did, he knew what I was asking. Because he felt it too.

" I must never show my weaknesses to anyone. I must never waver or have doubts for my enemies would get the better of me. I am human, but I can not be human. We are quite alike you and I, that is why I was unable to kill you." I look down the grass. What am I doing? I'm showing him the weakness in my soul. I show him what I want most in this world. I'm giving into my loneliness.

"Keh! Is that supposed to be an excuse. We've all got our cross to bear." He got up and turned away from me. My followed his every movement. They way his clothes rumpled and wrinkled as he moved. The way his silver locks blew in the wind. We were alike. Maybe too much alike. And that thought alone made me sad. Made me feel even more lonely. It seemed as though he had come to terms with his loneliness. While I still searched for something to fill this never ending void. But Inuyasha was truly alone. No friends. No family. I lived in a village full of people, and I had Kaede. Once again, I felt sad.

" Your right it doesn't seem like me." I got up and began to turn away. " Inuyasha?"

"Huh? What is it?"

" Nevermind it's nothing." and with that I began to walk into the forest.

" Kikyou! Come back here tomorrow." I give a wary look.

" W-What I mean is...I wanna give you something." He turned away to hide his blush.

" Oh, that's good becuase I've been thinking of giving you something too" I said with a sad smile.

" Really! Like the sacred jewel." He said with excitement.

" No such thing." I said with a small chuckle.

* * *

I was going to give the kotodama rosary. It felt a little wrong but it would keep him out of trouble.

" Beloved, that is a good trigger word."

But the next day I couldn't give the beads to him. Not after what he gave me. I felt ashamed for even thinking it.

"What is it?" I asked him.

"Here take it, there's no sense in me keeping it" I gingerly took it out of his hand. Lip rouge.

" Your mother was human?"

" Yeah, well..."

"This must mean so much to you."

" Don't worry about it. The robe of the fire rat is useful enough, it's all I need." he said.

I took a few steps toward him. I picked up the sleeves of his kimono lightly fingering it.

" I'm so sorry Inuyasha. I didn't know, and I shot so many arrows at it." It was one of the only things he had left of his mother, It was part of his memories of her. And I shot at it.

" Oh uh, don't worry about it. By the way what did you want give me." I couldn't do it. He gave something of his mother's. I shot arrows at something I know meant a lot to him. I couldn't hurt him anymore.

" Oh I'm sorry I must've forgotten it." I said with a smile hoping he believed me.

" Come on! I've been waiting and everything!"

" Inuyasha are you sure I can keep this gift." He'll never how much it meant to me. To me it wasn't just a simple lip rouge. It was a step into normalcy. It was me walking toward becoming normal.

" Yeah sure thing."

* * *

That night I colored my lips. That night I was able to pretend I was like the normal girls I see in the village. That night I was beautiful. But as I continued to stare at myself in the mirror I become sad. No one could see like this. No one could see how beautiful I felt. By this time morning I would be back to the priestess who protected the jewel. The priestess with no family, no friends. I had nothing. But the lip rouge, I continued to put on in the night. It made me feel.

I felt like a woman.

I would sometimes play with the village children. I felt Inuyasha close by, so I turned to him and saw standing in a tree.

" Inuyasha! why don't you come down from there and join us" I called up to him.

" Ha, you've got to be kidding." And with that he turned to sulk in the tree.

I started to care for the wounded bandit Onigumo after that. He was badly burned and could not move. I pitied him. I never told Inuyasha about him. I thought he would just be jealous and tell me to let the man die. My priestess nature wouldn't allow me to do that.

I wish I had. I wish I had told Inuyasha. Because that was the end of my happiness. the happiness I had found in Inuyasha.

The end of my dreams.

My powers had begun to weaken considerably. That's when Kaede got hurt. During a fight a demon was coming after Kaede, when I shot the demon with my sacred arrow one of the pieces flew out and struck Kaede. It was gone. My little sister's eye was gone and it was my fault. I strayed from path. I exposed my weakness and in the I wasn't the only one who suffered.

After the incident I sat with Inuyasha. I talked to Inuyasha about Kaede. He said something that gave me an idea. A way to end this senseless fight. A way for us to be together.

" Accidents are bound to happen when your always fighting." He said.

" Inuyasha are unable to be yourself unless your fighting."

" You asked me something like that before." He said somberly

" wouldn't you like to stop fighting all the time?"

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"Just to stop, stop fighting...and become human." I looked at him. He seemed a little apprehensive about the idea.

" Me, become a human?"

"It's possible. It's true that you are half demon, but you are also half human. If the jewel fell into the hands of a demon their power would undoubtedly increase, but if it were used to turn you into a human it would be purified. The jewel of four souls would cease to exist."

" Then, what would happen to you?" He asked shyly.

"My duty is to protect the jewel. Without it I could live the life of an ordinary woman."

We took a boat ride that evening. It was quite, and nice. On my way out of the boat my sandal caught on nail and I tripped. Inuyasha caught me.

He held me in his arms and I looked into his smoldering eyes. He told me then that he would do it. He become human. For me. We kissed that night. It was magic. His soft lips against mine. That kissed sealed a promise. Our promise to love each other. To be faithful to each other.

To be together in this life...and in the next.

Before I even knew I had fallen in love with Inuyasha. He meant so much to me. I wanted to be with him. There was no doubt in my mind that he wanted to be with me too. But I couldn't be with Inuyasha with the jewel around. I had to purify it...by making Inuyasha human. By wishing Inuyasha human I could be an ordinary women. I could be a wife. A mother. And Inuyasha would be my husband.

Inuyasha and I we would live together. I would put my past behind me. I would be normal and none of it would matter.

At noon the next day in front of the sacred tree, Inuyasha and I would begin our new lives. Together.

Who knew that dreams could be so fragile.

* * *

When Inuyasha came to me in the middle of the night asking that we use the jewel right then I should have known something was wrong. I should have felt it. But I thought he just as eager to be with me as I was to be with him.

How wrong I was.

We changed the time from noon to dawn. I had to sneak past Kaede and she almost caught me. I started running through the forest.

" I'm running so late!" I panted. " Inuyasha!, Inuyasha! Hm? He must've overslept." I waited for him. I took the lip rouge out of the sleeves in my kimono. I dipped my finger in it to apply it to lips.

I didn't even sense him coming.

"Ugh!" I gasped. So much pain. He tore right through me. Fell to grass panting and bleeding.

" You can try to pretty yourself up with this. But it doesn't matter...demon blood is good enough for you.

Who was this? It couldn't be Inuyasha not the man I loved. The man who loved me. But It was. I could recognize his voice anywhere.

" Inuyasha?"

I reached out to grab jewel when he stepped on my hand.

"Fool! I have no desire whatsoever to become human. But I shall take the Shikon Jewel nonetheless. Thanks"

He promised me. He lied to me. He intended to trick me from the very start. I loved him and he used me. How dare He?

" Traitor! I Hate you!" screamed at him but he was gone. He took the jewel and left me to die. No I would not be the only one to die today.

The jewel absorbed our hatred. Our anger. He attacked my village. I saw him trying to make off with jewel. I was going to use a sacred arrow and purify him on the stop. But no matter how much I wanted to hate him, to see him die... I could not kill him, because I loved him still. In the end I sealed him to the Goshinboku.

I died that day, and I took the jewel with me. Yes I could have saved myself but I didn't want to. I could not be an ordinary woman with Inuyasha in life. But maybe...in death I could finally get my wish.

" Kaede you must burn the jewel with my body so it can never fall into the wrong hands again." With that I died.

I never got my wish. My soul was sent to hell and I was eventually reborn fifty years later by the demon which Ursuae.

There is still hate in my heart. The wounds of betrayal are still fresh. And loneliness has never left my side.

It was loneliness that caused my to love, and to hate. It was loneliness that made me strong but it also made me weak. It was loneliness that made give up on life and chose death. It was Loneliness that led me to met Inuyasha. To love him. To have the desire to be with him.

But Loneliness keeps me away from my dreams. And the only man I've ever truly loved. Because while I roam this earth as a shell of what I once was he is alive and breathing. His heart still beat and his blood warm.

And he loves another. That girl. My reincarnation. Kagome.

He still loves me I know. But he loves her more whether he sees it or not.

Our loneliness is the only connection between us now. Back that was how we found each other. We even for a short while, were able to fill that void left in our hearts. But that girl will heal is heart more than I ever could.

When we see each other we remember that loneliness. We remember our weakness for each other. But time has stopped for. He can still move on. He has moved on, he just doesn't know it yet. Soon he will forget about me. I will be his past.

And that I guess is what hurts the most.

* * *

**A/N: This is my first fanfic through kikyou's point of view. It was actually a lot harder to write then I thought it would, but It was really fun : D**

**So with that I hope you enjoy reading it**

**Please REVIEW! and tell me how I did any feedback is greatly appreciated : )**


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